A Study on the Psychological Concept of Codependency Essays

A Study on the Psychological Concept of Codependency Essays A Study on the Psychological Concept of Codependency Essay A Study on the Psychological Concept of Codependency Essay A Study on the Psychological Concept of Codependency BY sunytxtn19920410 Is it Addiction to Love or Disease to Please? Key words: codependence, personality, self, early childhood The codependency concept initially originated and evolved within the field of addictions (Hands and Dear, 1995). And in recent years, there has been some increasing interest in using it to bridge the gap between additive behaviors, their impact on family members, and systemic analysis about family dysfunction. As a result, term codependence prominences in the filed of mental health (Hogg Frank, 1992). Cermak (1986) proposes that codependence is both a legitimate psychological concept and an important human disorder, in which symptom includes external focus, excessive caring for others and difficulty in identifying the true self. By studying theory of codependency, I have introspected a lot, finding that some of my own personality traits fit well with the description of codependency. The project will be divided into four parts. Firstly, the project starts with the introduction and distinction of two co-related terms: love addition and codependence disease, with illustration of my own love experience during adolescence. Then, it comes to analysis the manifestation of codependence behaviors, especially related to the term of shame and dissociated self. Thirdly, this project will explore how childrens experience during early childhood impacts his or her disposition of being codependent. Finally, several critical approaches to the theory will be presented. In Women who love too much (1985), Robin Norwood describes women who gain their sense of mission by loving broken, emotionally needy man at expense of self-sacrifice and who blur the boundary of romantic love and suffering itself. She also notes that ometimes, it is through over-involvement in a one-sided, even destructive relation can women achieve sense of control and strength (ibid. ). That makes me connect with my own experience. Adam and I fell in love in high school. He was such a hot, smart guy, with bundles of admires, while I was Just an ordinary, plain-looking girl. Every minute I loved him, I felt fear to lose him. I could not convince myself that men like him would love me for my beauty or talent. I was really afraid of be abandoned. My only defense was to try to make him like me for other reasons. I was willing to do anything for him. I cleaned his room, made lunch for him everyday, and cheered for him during his every basketball game, never absent. IVe almost given up all my personal time to do things for him. Eventually, I did not even wait for him to ask for something, I fgured out what he might want, and gave it to him. Because only by giving could I feel useful and Justified my own existence. Gaining Adams approval for me is my only way to achieve self-esteem and self- actualization. However, it turned out that my niceness to Adam had opposite effect on our relationship. He dumbed me for several times. He explained to his brothers that he did not feel that much attracted by me. After all, all of his ex-girls are gorgeous and brilliant. I have to say that those words made my ego smashed. to beg for forgiveness. And, against all expectations, I accepted. When he got his knees down in front of me, sniveling to me how painful he was without me. I chose to believe him because I need to. But before long, Adam blew me off again. And that time, he explained that it is because I was too nice and that makes him bear too much pressure. I got nothing to refute but agreed tearfully. But once Adam came ack to me, I would say yes once again. I Just could not leave him. I was trapped in the circle of alternately painful and exhilarating of love addition. Even I know it clearly that this pattern of alternating approval and contempt, intimacy and rejection, idealization and devaluation is not healthy, even destructive. I could still not get rid of it. What Adam is to me is like what drugs is to its addict. Addictions to substance and to behavior share lot in common. Just like psychoactive substances such as marijuana, cocaine, alcohol and affect neurotransmission in various pathways of the rain to release chemicals that release nervous tension, the similar impact on the rate of neurotransmission occurs with various compulsive behaviors such as eating, spending or over-caretaking for others to avoid discomfort or social pains (Chelton et al. , 1985). I didnt fully understand that I am more strongly driven by my need to avoid the negative emotion and assault to my self-esteem of Adams rejection and disapproval than I am regain his love, until now. Although Norwood labels such relationship as love addiction, many mental health experts began to use the term odependence to describe essentially the same syndrome. Love addiction has been refined as personality disorder that refers to an enduring and identifiable constellation of inflexible and maladaptive personality traits, which predispose the individual to pathological forms of dependency (for both substance and behavior) (Haaken, 1993). Cermak (1986a, 1986b), points out that Individuals with such emotional disease of codependence usually have obvious symptoms such as avoidance, over-dependence, or self-defeating. It is suggested that codependents develop an excessive sensitivity to the needs of others. To attempt to feel connected to other person, codependents will deny or ignore their own needs. Ultimately, individuals suffer from profound void within the self. They got lost in the relationship. Personality is defined as characteristics that manifest on patterns of behaviors, which are consistent across situations and life. Therefore, it is essential for us to explore the codependent behavior first before we study this personality itself. According to Dears category (2004), codependent behaviors compose of four cores: 1 . Emotional suppression (e. g limited assertion, retarded conscious awareness, ) 2. Self- acrifice (e. g over caring for others at expense of neglecting their own needs,) 3. External focusing (e. g stay focus on others, construct self values on the base of others thoughts) 4. Interpersonal control (e. an entrenched responsibility in ones belief to fix other people problems or feel obligated to rescue them) The consequence that may occur with codependence behavior consists of two parts: a one-sided addictive relationship with substance or toxic person, and the over-reliance of approval and intimacy from others in order to actualize sense of security, self-worth and identity (Wegscheider-Cruse and Cruse, 1990). An interesting point: Timmen Cermak (1991) contends that the distinct between c odependence and other personality world. It is noticeable that, vast majority of codependents, according to Matiatios (2002), is what we may regard as perennial NICE people in our daily life. They are people who are always with warm smile; almost never refuse to do a favor. However, as Matiatos mentions, on the surface these people look happy and bubbly for all the time, but once they look inside themselves, they find nothing but emotional starvation, thus cause subsequent void, depression and even collapse. It is because hat codependents are over perceptive of others but not at all perceptive of themselves. Actually, I perceive myself as a Codependent according to the description above. Not only to Adam, I try my best to treat everyone Nicely. For example, in order not to forget any of my friends birthday, I took a memo on which to take down everyones birthday. I give them birthday gifts even if that means I will have less money to spend on my lunch. I speak to everyone with gentle voice and careful words, fearing that anyone might be offended so that people wont like me anymore. And gradually, IVe become one of the NICEST girls in life. And I enjoy the approval and reliance of my surrounding people. But I frequently get struck into depression or anguished feelings whenever I perceive that someone is not like me as much as I expected or one of my friends did not do anything in return of my pay. For example, when I was in high school, one of my best friends has once forgotten my birthday. No gift, no card, no phone calls, no happy birthday words, she Just did not show up the whole day. I was disappointed, in fact, devastated. I could not stop blaming myself. I believe that if anything goes wrong, it must be my fault. And how ould she do that thing to hurt me? But I was reluctant to go to her to assert myself or to ask why. And I did not manage to emancipate myself from that anguished feeling until she came to me to apologize for her carelessness next day. Till then, I realized how good I am at making myself bad. Just like Braiker (2003) suggests in the Disease to Please , though people-pleaser believe that they are excel at making others happy, the truth is that the real talent lies is making themselves inadequate and miserable. For some time I have been confused about one problem: why couldnt I get rid of my bsession to please others, even if I know it clear that behavior is toxic. hen looking deep into my mind, I think I got the answer: SHAME. I feel shamed of who I am. And I dont have belief in me worthy of love, approval or happiness. In my psycho-logic, only by fulfilling others expectation, can I avoid negative emotions such as rejection or anger towards me. The drive for approval stimulates me to pursue the emotion satisfaction in the same ways even with the pre-knowledge that I might get hurt. For people-pleasers, they are accustomed to camouflaging their true feelings with mask f chronic niceness (out of debilitating fear of conflicts, abandonment and disapproval) (Frances and Miller, 1990). Even worse, the symptom of codependence may develop into dissociation, which is defined by Chu (1998) as a disruption of the normal integration of experience. To explore the formation of personality trait of Competence, we first understand the basic mechanisms that determine all the behaviors. In general, Human behaviors fall into two main categories: innate behavior, which is encrypted into biological code that is our birthright, the other kind of behavior is so-call acquired or learned. Ryckman, 2008) Behavior is determined by experience, based on the principle of reinforcement or conditioning (ibid. ). role of environment stimuli plays the dominant role in ones shape of personality. It is suggested that codependence develops as the result of long-term exposure to a dysfunction family environment in where either (a) physical, sexual, or emotional abuse; (b) neglect; or (c) excessive trauma has been manifested. (Potter-Efron Potter-Efron, 1989a, 1989b). It is noticeable that the environment refers to individuals family of origin, in most cases. Dr. Peter Walker (2005), one of the leading experts in tudying development of childhood trauma, indicates that trauma- based families are most common scenarios where child developed Fawn (synonymous with Codependency) repertoire of instinctive responses to trauma. Fawn, with the definition given by Websters means: to act servilely; cringe and flatter, is defined as the core component of many codependents. (Walker, 2005) Take the growing up of my father as the example. He was raised in a single-parent family with my grandfather who was a heavy drinker then. Like most alcoholics, he changed his moods and behavior like chameleon. Most of time, he was a loving and warming father. But once he got drunk, he could be clod and withholding or irrationally angry and explosive. What worse, grandfather always hit my father and his younger sister when he lost mind after several drinks. And my father used to fght back against the violence, but he was too weak to win. And that protesting to abuse led to even more frightening retaliation. As a result, he relinquished the fght response. And to impose order on chaos, my father changed his strategy. He tried his best to be a nice and good boy to make his dad happy or satisfied. Because he reasoned that if the dad can keep pleased and approving, it is less likely for him to go out for drink, thus the consequence of intoxication will not be as bad. Even if he could not prevent the dad drunk, he learns that avoiding disapproval and criticism of his father is the safest means of survival. Being in a family environment filled with chaos or trauma, children will enter survival mode to protect themselves at the expense of abandoning their identification as children. Because of this sense of powerless, children quickly learned and then accustomed to ignore their inner feelings and needs. Thus, they reject introspection and ultimately disconnect with their self (Kuhot, 1999). And my fathers example demonstrates the point rather well. As an adult, he is both super- caring and super-sensitive. He is so kind and warm-hearted that he almost never refuses to do a favor. But on the other hand, he almost never asserts himself. Sometimes I find him exhausted on taking care of others instead of taking care of himself. However, not all codependents that embodied as approval addiction are from dysfunctional or troubled families. In some families, parents and children are bonded tightly. But the problem of codependence may still occur when parents use inappropriate way to induce child to form his or her value system. In particular, when love is used as a conditional rewards (Braiker, 2004). When child behave decently or show talent for some areas, which please parents well, the parents then labeled them as good, and presumably worthy of love. But once child makes mistakes or fails to performance well in school, the love will be withdrawn. That parental pattern is so-called conditional love, which will be devastating to children, because the parents are in fact setting the stage for their children to be approval ddicts (ibid. ). In the mind ofa little child, it seems that there is no distinct behavior. In families parents pattern of conditional love is frequently reinforced, the sense of the worthiness of the child as a person becomes enmeshed with his or her behavior. Following with that psycho-logic, children will no longer focus on their inner self, because who his or her existence depends on what they do. Doing good things is equated with to being a good person worthy of love. Likewise, doing bad things means you are a bad guy, which indicates that people will leave you alone, and thats hat you deserve. Children who were raised in such environment show an excessive concern with approval of people that they love and respect, especially their parents. To live up to their parents expectation, they even alienate them from their own desires and capacity to self-actualization. In addition, adult approval addicts will response to criticism with intense anxiety due to their emotional baggage from early childhood. And it is suggested that they do not know about their real needs of inner self at all. As for me, I feel very lucky since my parents have performed an unconditional love regard to me. Even if I misbehave myself in some occasions, they always keep telling me that Though you made mistake, I love you the same. Thus constructs the basis of my self-esteem: I am a whole human being, and my worth of being depends on who I am, not how others think I am. Nevertheless, I also found myself extremely obsessive about the approval from my mum. She is the most perfect creature IVe ever met on this planet. She is gorgeous, kind, brilliant, and tremendously strong. I have been worshiped my mum for years as idol. To gain her approval is highest honor and greatest encourage for me. As the result, I work hard to live up with her expectation for me, without asking myself what do I really want. Mellody (1989) suggests that it is generally accepted that codependency is pervasive phenomenon observed in everyday life and a personality disorder that treatment needed. As the popularity of appeal of the codependency construct increased, a more precise understanding of codependency has been stymied by the lack substantiate research, to test whether it is a useful diagnostic category (Cermak, 1986a). In addition, many scholars have called the utility and validity of this theory nto question (Haaken, 1990). Moreover, social and cultural factors have been neglected. Prest and Storm suggests (1988) that further exploration of codependence should focus more on similarities and differences among various ethic groups. Moreover, codependence theory is critiqued for its ubiquitous diagnosis which requires expensive professional treatment cost. And it has been controversial about the creation to diagnose codependence. For example, based on the definition of external focus on others, it can be concluded that each of us will be more or less diagnosed as having the symptom. Thus creates an ambiguous boundary to identify this concept. Moreover, critics towards its function of value proposition, the so-called selfish egoism. Because based on the existing framework, one can only be Judged normal or self-esteem when he/ she behaves extreme self-centric. However, as far as I am concern. The criticism which matter most is the gender bias underlying. Codependency is usually described as a typical famine malady. In fact, woman accounts for vast majority of 80 percent of membership in ACOA(Adult Children of Alcoholi) (Haaken,2002) It is controversial that whether therapist should treat odependency distinct psychiatric disorder (Dore et al. 1995). Based on a feminist roles in relationship. In conclusion, codependence is now acknowledged as a mental disorder, of which manifestation of addictive behavior. Patterned behaviors means that codependency can be defined as personality traits as well. In most cases, such personality traits are typical in trauma-based family, where children learn to survive through closeness of their inner world. However, it can be seen from the example of my growing that appropriate way of induce child to build their value system in early hildhood matters as well, or dysfunction will occur the same. Though experience a lot of controversy, theory of codependency inspired us to introspect of our inner world all the time. To ask you inner self, are you the real master of you mind and body? Words counts: 3070 Reference: Chelton, L. G. , Bonney, W. C. (1987). Addiction, affects and self object theory. Psychotherapy, 24, 40-46. Cermak, T. L. , (1986b). Diagnostic criteria for codependency. Journal of Psychoactive Drugs, 18(1), 15-20. Cermak,T. L. (1986). Diagnosticcriteriaforcodependency. JournalofPsychoactiveDrug ,18(1),15-20. Braiker. H. 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